Get Your Nos Right

When we make fun of children saying No, calling the age when they first learn to use that word the "terrible twos", we are missing the importance of the developmental work they are doing. For this is when children are becoming autonomous and learning to create boundaries. They are beginning to define who they are - and who they are not. If you listen carefully behind their Nos - "No, I don't want to eat that! No, I don't want to wear that! No, I don't want to go there!" - what do you hear? "I exist. I have a right to my own feelings. I have a right to my own opinion. I am me." ¹ A new being is anouncing her independent existence. Learning to say No is essential to the ongoing development of each human being.

No is the key word in defining your identity, your individuality, or, in organzational terms, your brand. If you cannot say No, you do not have a brand, for your brand is defined by what you say No to. No is a selection principle that allows you to be who you are and not someone or something else. No gives you the individuality and definition that make this world a richer place.

Because No is the word we use to express our power, the normal tendency is to overdo our Nos, so they come across as attacking² - or to underdo our Nos, so they come across as weak and hesitant. The challenge is to get it just right. How can you be assertive without being aggressive?

TBC ___________________________________________ ¹In terms of professional adults I would sum up as: I have a right to my own competence. ²I deem that in the last 15 to 20 years the formal signs of aggressiveness have been tabooized in a measure that you will find many people out there who will try to qualify a mere polite No as aggressiveness on your side.

William Ury, The Power Of A Positive No, NY 2008, p. 126

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